by Johnnie S Laney

Conflict will arise in every love relationship. Instead of trying to never have conflict, instead it is useful to look at how the bad and good ways to deal with it.

If you deal with conflict in the following ways, you can kill your relationship. Trying to dominate your partner by shouting or screaming at them is common but a big danger sign. Mocking your partner or insulting them during conflict is another way to cause lasting relationship damage.

There are some good things you can do during and after conflict. You can start by taking a few deep lungfuls of air while you are in conflict. Notice your reactions to the conflict as you do this. You will often see two adults reverting to the emotional age of six year old children!

While breathing, also see if you can notice that conflict causes crappy behavior. Crying, screaming, withdrawing, insulting each other. But the crappy conduct only last a few minutes in most cases. See if you can stop taking it so personally.

One powerful thing you can do is to keep the argument from getting too heated. Disarm and de-escalate it. You might say that you need some time to get yourself under control, then leave the room for a few minutes. When you come back, you will both be likely to talk in a more civil manner.

Another thing is to not withdraw affection. Don’t be punitive and withhold touching and caressing from your partner because you are in conflict. The withdrawal of affection is an unhealthy way to deal with conflict. It can be seen as manipulative and punitive.

Also it is important to reconnect with your mate as soon as you can after an argument. Rather than let the hurt feelings between you linger and simmer, go up to them and say “sorry we had a fight like that, are you all right?” Do this even if the fight wasn’t your fault, it will help you both avoid lasting relationship damage.

There is a lot more to dealing with conflict in a healthy way, but these things are a good start. It may take months or years to master any of them, but you should have lots of opportunities to practice.

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